because of infertility.....

"Be still and know that I am God."


If I had to pick one verse to sum up the past year, and my desire for this new year, it would be this one. 

All last year, this verse sat at the back of my head, particularly as the theme song to our infertility struggle. It was an answer, one of many that are both known and not known, as to why He still had us waiting. I needed to know Him more.

His timetable for each one of us is different. The circumstances that He has penned for us long before we even took our first breath will not ever be the exact same as anyone else's. Even when we find those who understand, who have walked before us, who are walking with us, who will come behind us, no one else's will match up to be formed just like ours. Even for J and I, husband and wife, the particular pieces of why God has orchestrated our days the way He has will look different. He has taught J vastly different things through infertility than He has taught me. He has revealed fears in my heart that are not at all the fears J has in his. And the way He chooses to reveal Himself to each one of us is different, done in different ways, and taking place at different times.

For me, for my story, for the chapter entitled 2016-present, He has used that verse up there to help me see what I've needed to do. To be still. To know. To know that He is God. And I firmly believe that one reason He has allowed us to be where we are in this infertility journey is this:

because of infertility I know Him better.

Infertility has, hands-down, been one of the most powerful and compelling instruments He has used in my life to help me know more of who He is. And in knowing Him more I have come to love Him all the more, even when I don't understand Him.

I know more of what it means that He is my Father. I know more of how He is the only One who is fully and always present. I know more of His faithfulness, of how He shows Himself to me, and when He seems very silent. I know more of His goodness, of the beauty that He has so generously speckled my life. I know more of His friendship and more of His kindness through community. I know more of His patience, with all the questions I've asked, the times of asking "why" and the times of asking that it end. I know more of His forgiveness, when I am angry or accusing or assuming. I know more of His grace, that unending well of grace. I know more of His wisdom, for all the reasons that He has wrapped up so perfectly as to why He designs and leads and allows the way He does. I know more of His perfect love and His perfect peace. I know more of His steadfast promises and His gentle, shepherding hand. 

Because of infertility I know Him better and the being still part has become a place of greater rest, rather than a place where I plop down resigned to the "have to" of it. It has become the place I eagerly go to, the place I long to be, and the place I'm all the more thankful I get to go because it is there I remember that God is God and I am not.

Only a God like the One I've come to know all the more through His hard and incredible Word and His mysterious ways could use such a tender struggle as infertility to bring me to a place of rest. Only a God like that could help me say I'm thankful for the very struggle that I long to see end