infertility || where we're at

Hello friends,

I hope that you are all enjoying a delightful day. I like to start my posts to you in letter format sometimes. It makes it feel more personal, like I really am sitting down at my desk and writing a letter out to each one of you individually, updating you on ins and outs of life, sharing my heart with you. 

Thank you for being on the other side of the letter. I'm so grateful.

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There's no real new news in this road we are walking of secondary infertility. It's a road of waiting, of being sifted. It's a road littered with painful moments and beautiful ones. It's a road of learning. It's a road of coming to know the character of God and His love for us in a very tender way. It's the road He has put us on to walk, for reasons we've seen and reasons that only He knows. It's the hardest and the best road I've ever walked.

Some of you may have seen that I posted back in August about having my yearly exam and, as it has always been, everything was normal. The only thing my doctor is fairly assured of is that I probably ovulate 6-8 times a year, rather than the normal 12, because my hormones are so easily swayed by any emotion/stress/change in life and so my cycle is never consistent. That isn't something she can track unless I were to constantly use an ovulation kit or take pregnancy tests frequently and neither J or I have any desire to put our emotions through that. For us, that would just easily become all-consuming and painful.

Many of you have asked whether we would like to pursue adoption. Adoption has always been something that has been on our hearts as a path we could see ourselves pursuing one day and, obviously, with what these last years have held it has come to the forefront of our minds many times. At this point, though, we truly do not see the Lord leading us that way just yet. He has been bringing us through so much, chipping away at the places of our hearts that have desperately needed His truth during these past 3 years. And there is more He is doing in us as we wait for His next step for us.

In all of this there are still questions that ring in our minds, still wonderings. There's that dull ache that just sits in my chest, the heart-aching feeling that comes every time our Little says, "when do we get to have my baby sister and brother?" (she wants one of each ;)), the tears that fall when the longing hits hard. It's painful. It just is.

But in all of this I do not doubt the goodness of our Lord and how worthy He is to be trusted, and that is only by His grace. The words on the pages of Scripture have grown in their reality and their comfort for me. I have come to know facets of our Father in such a personal way, such a way that has only strengthened my trust as I see more of who He is and the way He views me. My eyes have been opened to better understand the suffering of others, the tendency we can all have to battle alone, and He has fueled my heart with a desire to encourage those around me, and myself, to be raw, vulnerable, allowing others to walk these painful roads with us. He has helped me to pick out the buds among the thorns, the good in the painful, the present in the waiting. My desire to know Him more deeply, to be saturated in His Word more fully, to be laying things at His feet more constantly, has increased to such a depth as I've never known before. There is so much He has done in these days that have filled the months of the last 3 years. He's brought beauty from ashes. And tomorrow He will continue to do that. 

"I have set the LORD always before me; because he is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken."

There's so much more to come and He holds it all.

Thank you, friends, always for your prayers for us and your encouragement to us. I count it one of the biggest buds among the thorns.

Love, Jenny