we thought, we hoped, that last month might be it. the month that we would find out a baby was on the way. but it wasn't, and it hurt. it hurt a lot. the ache was so intense and the tears were always close. I told J that I didn't think I could handle anymore months of this. I felt numb and he did, too. the wondering, defeated, hurting thoughts were crowding up our minds. it was the hardest place we had been since we started down this road 2 years ago.
over the next days we processed it together and seperately and so soon we began to understand what the Lord was working in our hearts and to see the place He was bringing us to; a place that we had not yet arrived at and, truthfully, had quietly fought not wanting to go, but was the very place we most needed to be. the place that said: even if we are never able to have another baby we trust You and You are good.
I had seen the Lord work in my heart to grow my trust to greater depths over the past two years but as I processed through those november days I realized there was some hidden fear in my heart that I had left quietly alone. fear of that very thing, that exact "even if". I was scared that we would never be able to have another baby, in any way. This fear had crippled a piece of me so much that I refused to even voice the words, whether to myself or anyone else, it just made it too real. I had shoved this fear to the side so many times that I had almost forgotten it was there. I was putting on a happy face, an "I'm doing pretty well" face, all while burying a fear that desperately needed to be confronted.
so when I finally came face to face with this fear there was such freedom there. though the first times I said the words, "even if we are never able to have another baby," I said them through sobs, I felt such a relief in my heart. I was finally laying this fear at the foot of the cross, at the feet of the One who knows my suffering and pain to a greater extent than even my husband who is facing the same. as our friend Matt said in his sermon yesterday, "what emotion do we feel that He did not?" my Lord knows the fullest depths of where I've been. He gave Himself for me so that I could have hope that the depths I go to in my fear or pain are not where I have to stay. I must, must, must trust Him with every bit of me, with every bit of my husband, with every bit of my daughter, with every bit of our life.
to come to this place of "even if" is not J and I being hopeless and having the mindset of "that's it." to come to this place is to understand that we are not in control and to find freedom there. to come to this place is to rest in the plans of the perfectly wise, perfectly good, perfectly loving God. and in His bringing us to this place we have grown in a greater understanding of what it really means to trust Him. one of our pastors, Denny Burk, preached through Luke 1:26-56 last sunday and as he talked about Mary and her response to finding out she would give birth to Jesus he said, "Mary shows no regard for her hopes and dreams and needs. She displays that those are all wrapped up in the purposes of God." to have "obedient faith" as Denny called it is to understand that we are a part of God's glorious plan. it is not our plan to shape and form and plan to the most minute detail. to trust Him more I must understand this, and I must do more than understand it. I must live it.
"I sought the LORD, and he answered me and delivered me from all my fears." vs. 4
"Oh, taste and see that the LORD is good! Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him! Oh, fear the LORD, you his saints, for those who fear him have no lack! The young lions suffer want and hunger; but those who seek the LORD lack no good thing." vs. 8-10
"The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit." vs. 18
psalm 34 has been the sweetest comfort to me in the last weeks. the verses above have specifically been a means of grace and a close at hand reminder that when I say the words, "even if we are never able to have another baby we trust You and You are good" I can say them with the greatest confidence and the dearest hope because "I am His and He is mine."