It was Mother's Day yesterday, as I know you are well aware. You might have been dreading its coming, wishing that you could just skip past the day, with all its social media posts and pictures. Wishing you could just close your eyes and not feel the little twinges of pain and heart-aching longing that you've become all too familiar with. I understand. I understand how seeing "happy mother's day" posts and pictures of mamas with their little broods pepper your social media feed brings about the perfect storm of joy and pain. You are so happy for these beautiful mamas, thankful for these precious lives that are being celebrated, but yet you wonder, again, if you will ever get to celebrate this day with them.
Sweet friend, my heart feels for you today. I understand these struggles; the painful twinges, the wishing that your heart would just stop aching for a few minutes, the rush to wipe away the tears that insist on coming while others walk around you calling out "happy mother's day" to one another, the fight to hold onto hope that you will get to experience this day the same way they do. I understand. I really truly do. As much I can say that, my understanding knows only a little piece. There are corners of your heart and parts of your struggle that I won't ever see and I can't ever know.
Our sweet Savior understands; He sees those corners and knows those quiet struggles. He is more intimately acquainted with your heart hurts and your soul-aching cries and the ever-faithful monthly reminder that you, once again, will not have two pink lines show up on that stick. And He knows the grief you have faced when that hope has been snatched away all too quickly. He knows each emotion you've experienced, each mental battle you've fought, each time you've thought "when!?" and each time you've wandered through into Gap Kids and let your dreams have a little more life. He knows it all, my friend, and He has not forgotten you.
He is using this season in your life, as hard and hurtful as it feels so much of the time. He is wringing your soul to trust Him more; to realize that to be at His feet, to cast your cares on Him, to consider your trials joy, is the sweetest place to be. He is able to be trusted and His ways are higher than ours. He's got it all, my friend. He really truly does. And you are precious in His sight, more precious to Him than the birds of the air and the lilies of the field. "I am His and He is mine" is the truest thing about you. And He is reminding you that nothing is better or more satisfying than He is.
Know Him better, my friend. Seek Him even more. Sit at His feet. Fill your mind and heart with the treasure trove that is His Word. Really, truly, pray unceasingly to Him. Talk to Him the way David did. He knows the cries of your heart; speak them to Him and allow His peace that surpasses understanding to overwhelm you. The sweetest balm, the most joyful piece of this struggle, for me, has been knowing my Savior more, understanding another part of the endless depths of His love for me.
And, lovely, ask Him to protect your heart from bitterness. The questions of "why does she get to have x amount of kids and I can't even have one!?" and wonderings of "why can't my body seem to do what every other woman's seems to?" are going to be battles you face, they absolutely are. You don't have to remain there, though, and it will rob you of so much if you let yourself stay there. The Lord knows His plans for her and He knows His plans for you. He KNOWS them. It's not an afterthought or an "oops." It is a plan He's had carefully and lovingly orchestrated since the beginning. Ask Him to guard your heart. He will do it. He will increase your joy for others even amidst the pain of you heartaches. He will give you greater grace to celebrate with others as you are slowly watching His plan for you unfold.
Share your heartache, dear one. Let the people around you see this piece of your life. Let them walk with you and pray with you and build you up. I am not saying you have to write a lengthy Instagram post about it, or start a blog to share your journey, but don't hide away. The Lord has filled your life with His people, His dearly loved ones, to help you know Him more, to help you suffer well. They are an instrument. Let Him use them. It's such a beautiful thing.
"Once you walk through the door of love into the massive, unshakable structure of Romans 8:28, everything changes. There come into your life stability and depth and freedom. You simply can't be blown over anymore. The confidence that a sovereign God governs for your good all the pain and all the pleasure that you will ever experience in an incomparable refuge and security and hope and power in your life. When God's people really live by the future grace of Romans 8:28 -- from measles to the mortuary -- they are the freest and strongest and most generous people in the world. Their light shines and people give glory to their Father in heaven." -- John Piper
I am praying for you, sweet friend. You are dear.