Those days when my energy level is low and "in a funk" is the best description of how I'm feeling. The days when my level of patience with AK is shamefully low and tears of frustration or discontent seem to be hovering right behind my eyes ready to fall at a moments notice. The days when any type of task seems completely inconvenient and I wish I had little mice and bird helpers like Cinderella to check off my to-do list and have dinner prepared and delicious when J walks through the door. The days when being left completely alone sounds like the best type of plan.
This isn't one of those days where life has just been busy, or someone's not feeling well, or we just need to chuck the to-do list and have a fun day or a lazy day. There are those days when blankets and pixar movies and books are the best activities for the day. The days when hubby gets a text asking if we can just pick something up for dinner that night or he says, "hey, let me cook dinner tonight and you just relax." The days when the dishes pile up a bit more and the laundry piles stay put in the hall because it's just too beautiful outside. Trust me, I'm all for those "hey, let's just have a fun day" type of days and those deliciously lazy days, where you cozy down and just "be." I will fly the "supporter of said days" flag high as I firmly believe we all need those days. This, however, is not one of those days. No, this is a day when I just want it my way and I certainly don't want to do things for anyone else. This is a selfish day.
And when I actually let myself have what I want the funk gets even deeper. The patience grows shorter and I raise my voice more, putting off tasks just makes me feel more irritated and stressed, and J and AK get the leftovers of a moody me.
It's on days like these, like the way yesterday started out, that I see more intimately my constant need for grace, my every moment need of Jesus. I need His help to get outside of myself. I need His love to be the foundation of the way I love J and AK. I need His Word to be the firmest truth in my mind.
Yesterday I kept reminding myself to not just brush past days like this without really listening to what I'm learning. That I'm learning that I cannot let my time with Jesus be the first thing to go amid the activity of the day; clean bathrooms and folded laundry are far less important than Him. That I'm learning how much AK responds off my mood and she's either seeing Jesus in me or not. That I'm learning how much it helps my mental state if I just let myself be quiet, just taking in the sounds of our home. That I'm learning how much better it is to wait on a task so that I can build train sets or paint a picture with my little love. That I'm learning how much it means to my husband if I pack his lunch for him in the morning and send little notes in it telling him how thankful I am for him. That I'm learning that there's a difference between saying, "honey, I'm just having a rough day. would you mind helping me get _____ done?" and not saying anything, but rather just waiting for him to pick up on the needs that my pouty self is silently expecting to be filled. That I'm learning that loving well, loving like Jesus, means constantly dying to myself and fighting through the funk. And fighting through the funk is so worth it, because on the other side of that funk is such a sweetness. A sweetness that exists because that's where I'm made more like Jesus.